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The entrance to Portugal Place in Cambridge

An American Handballer's view of Fives

Reproduced by kind permission of Handball, September 1983

We all know the love that the Irish have for handball, but just a hop, skip, and the Irish sea away the English pursue the joy and frustration of hitting that little white ball around the handball court.

An American in Cambridge

As a graduate student of Cambridge University in England, I had already established a rather eccentric reputation by jogging through the Commons and College courtyards regardless of the weather. But despite valiant efforts, a steady diet of over-greased fish and chips washed down with three or four pints of lovely English beer caused my weight to balloon to heretofore unexplored regions of the scale. The fact that the British unit of weight measurement is called "stones" hardly helped matters either. This excess weight, coupled with a feeling of emptyness brought on by a lack of handball, prompted me to pay a visit to the small University sports centre on Portugal Lane.

The English name for handball is fives, and there are two distinct versions: Rugby Fives and Eton Fives. Rugby and Eton Fives are named for the places they originated. Both Rugby and Eton are very exclusive private boarding schools for the elite of British society. To be enrolled at Eton, for example, the prospective student must be enrolled by his parents the week of his birth. No girls are allowed.

A Gentlemanly Game

Handball in Ireland is basically a working class sport. But in England fives is typically a sport of the upper class since it is only played at the elite private boarding schools as well as Oxford and Cambridge Universities. With that in mind, I was quite an anomaly to the British Fives Association. An upper class Englishman plays a gentlemanly game in which sweating is frowned upon. How strange to find in their midst a loud American who dived, scraped and grunted for every gettable shot, and who acknowledged errors with colourful curses which were not strictly the Oueen's English.

Fancy Footwork

This doesn't mean that I wasn't welcomed in the fraternal spirit that one would expect in any club here in the States. Everyone immediately introduced themselves. After a brief explanation of the rules, I was playing Eton Fives. The court is a reproduction of the very courtyard at Eton where the game began. While I am all for tradition, this seemed as logical as requiring that modern wheels be made out of stone because that is what the guy (or gal) who invented the first wheel used. Anyway, the court is perhaps 50 feet long and 25 feet wide. The court has three levels, one step down after the service line, another step down from the back court to out of bounds. This necessitates some pretty fancy footwork. Thank God only doubles is played, so usually one player takes the forecourt, and his partner the lower level. The front and side walls are not one flat uninterrupted surface. Two feet or so up there is a ledge, a two-inch indentation which connects the planes of the lower portion of the all with the upper part. There are three more feet of wall until another ledge. Anything below the lowest edge is out of play, but hitting either ledge is legal, and also a good bet to throw your opponents off balance. The strangest facet of this court is what is called a basement. This basement, one-third of the way down the left side wall, is an approximately two feet by three and one-half feet by six and one-half feet somewhat L-shaped concrete block with a slanted, peaked roof. Since part of it is three inches behind the first step, there is a sort of gutter in front of it which the better players aim for and use as a put away shot. Also rather unusual is the fact that if a player hits the ball too hard, so that is going out of bounds (no back wall), his partner can reach up to tap it back in play.

Every Fives Partner a Drinking Companian

Each rally is begun by the server throwing the ball front wall, side well. In the spirit of British fair play, the defender only has to return the serve if he likes it, otherwise another toss is made. The ball is rock-hard, and the players use heavy duty gloves in which even the fingers are padded. I soon retired the trusty Super Tigers I had brought from America, and as I was unwilling to invest over $40 for a new pair of gloves, I pressed an old pair of ski gloves into service until I was able to buy a pair of used fives gloves.

I played about once a week for a year and never really mastered the complexity of the game. The bounces were too strange, and while I could hold my own, I was better known for tenacity than talent. On the bright side, every fives partner was a drinking companion and a potential invite to a college dining hall for dinner. I soon ceased to weigh myself.

I seemed to have better luck at Rugby Fives. Rugby Fives is a bit more conventional, played in something quite akin to a squash court. I felt more at home with the back wall. There was no playable ceiling, only rafters. As in squash, the bottom foot or so is out of play. The absence of a kill shot means that a variety of lobs and dink shots are valuable offensive weapons. Both doubles and singles are played. The ball is put into play by the server throwing the ball front wall, side wall and then hitting it side wall, front wall. There is no short line, and an insidious dink serve is often used. In doubles the receiving team alternates left and right sides so that both players take turns returning the serve. If the serve is mistakenly hit to the wrong partner, he may return it only if he shouts, "taking" before he hits it.

The highlight of the fives season is the match against Cambridge's arch foe, Oxford. I was fortunate enough to make the Cambridge team. This, by the way, entitles me to wear the coveted sparrow tie. It's a silly looking thing, but from time to time I will suffer ridicule from wearing it so that I can relive past glories by explaining its significance. On the day of the big match we all piled into miniature, subcompact British cars for the long, cramped trip across country.

At the end of the day Oxford was routed, winning only one match. I had won both my singles and doubles matches. My unorthodox style, not to mention my American accent, prompted my opponent to ask, "You, Yank, what the bloody hell are you doing here?"

Gravy Soaked Rolls

It was then back to Cambridge for the victory banquet, optimistically planned in advance. We had reserved a formal dining hall at St Catherine's College (there are about thirty colleges that make up Cambridge University. St Catherine's is, as I understand, where Prince Charles' youngest brother, Prince Edward, will attend this October.) Rather than the usual post-game pizza and beer, the menu consisted of Fillet of Sole Bonne Femme, Tournedos Rossini, the wine was Chateau le Bon Pasteau 1973, followed by Port and aged cheese. It was inspiring to dine under the erudite gaze of great scholars, dating back hundreds of years, whose portraits hung on the walls. In the finest tradition of victorious handball players, we were evicted by the butler around midnight for getting into a drunken food fight and hitting the antique oak panelling with gravy soaked rolls.

Fives ..... the finest experience for the body

Before leaving, the team captain mentioned to me, "I prefer a good solid Englishman. But I suppose an exception proves the rule." Well, I prefer a good solid American four-wall court. But the English game of fives was a great diversion from the rigours of my studies, and the players were a great group of chaps. William Hazlitt, writing in 1819, summed it up when he wrote:

"it may be said that there are things of more importance than striking a ball against a wall - there are things which make more noise and do so little good, such as making war and peace, making speeches and answering them, making money and throwing it away. But the game of fives is what no one despises who has ever played it . . . He has no other wish, no other thought, from the moment the game begins, but of striking the ball, of placing it, of making it! It is the finest experience for the body, and the best relaxation for the mind.

Barry Rubin

POSTSCRIPT: Handballer at Cambridge

e-mail from Barry Rubin USA 2004

"Strangely, I came across an article I had written 20 plus years ago that has shown up on your website. A blast from the past as we say in the States, but ghastly overwritten, oh well. Was in England this summer, but last in Cambridge about 3 years ago, and couldn't find Portugal Place, and seems it is gone....Fives is still played in Cambridge, I suspect."