Ode To Eton Fives

08/11/24: To celebrate the Centenary of the Eton Fives Association, Dale Vargas has composed an "Ode to Eton Fives"

Written for the Centenary Dinner of the Eton Fives Association held in the Long Room at Lord’s, 24 October 2024.

 

To Eton Fives: An Ode

 

To hit a ball against a wall is simplest of all pleasures;

But to make a worthy game of it, that calls for special measures.

At Eton Coll, a game was played, below the chapel steps;

And those of us who know it think, ludorum hic princeps.

* * *

When King Henry, our monarch, the sixth of his line,

A seat of good learning set out to define,

He took William of Wykeham, founder supreme,

To be his model for a similar scheme.

Based on Winchester, school of renown,

He set out to match it, both town and gown.

 

A man of intention, but perhaps short on scruples,

He borrowed the Master and most of the pupils

From Winchester - and created a school of his own.

One might describe it, a permanent loan,

And that’s how it is that Eton is royal.

He could do that, you see, as his subjects were loyal.

 

Thus, Provost and Fellows and newly formed College

Set out in pursuit of advancing knowledge,

But although well served in cerebral ways,

They looked for a means of giving God praise,

To thank Him for gifts, so generously shared.

Thus, a chapel was built, with no expense spared.

 

It took forty years to complete such a pile,

A noble construction in High Gothic style,

Access to which was contrived in a rare way

To be at the top of a banistered stairway.

This unusual entrance, bizarrely devised,

Turned out to be a blessing disguised.

 

The wall of the chapel was formed in a way

That the space between buttresses formed a wide bay;

Ideal when waiting to answer their names,

Generations of boys developed ball games.

Most of the spaces gave plenty of fun,

For two boys to play, one against one.

 

But, at the near end, one space in particular

Made for amusement extra-curricular.

It, too, had a step and ledges included,

But here, an extra stone pillar intruded,

And a platform behind, extended the floor,

Ideal for contests, played as a four.

 

In the year of our Lord, eighteen-hundred and forty,

The Master of Eton was Edward Hawtrey.

He had no interest in boys cavorting

In pursuit of a ball or other things sporting.

No athlete he, thank God for his mercies,

He devoted his time to classical verses.

 

To him, Dr Hawtrey, historians give credit,

Or so I am told, or maybe I read it,

For building new walls on the Dorney Road,

Just like the original, very same mode.

They stand there no longer but an old map alleges,

They had buttress and step and similar ledges.

 

Of Trottman’s Yard, no relic survives,

But there was the birth of Eton fives.

Two rows, back-to-back, they numbered ten,

No roofs or lighting, of course, back then,

But one inspired feature, I really must mention,

Side walls reached back to full extension.

 

To say that fives has captured the nation

Would sadly be an exaggeration.

Courts dot, not spread, across the globe

And efforts to find them require a deep probe.

Fives is not natural to every society,

But it has been adopted by quite a variety.

 

Swiss Zuoz has courts at the Alpine Lyceum,

And that’s not a place you’d expect to see ’em.

The alumni of Zuoz boasted courts too,

The first one in Zurich was next to the Zoo

Or was it a pig farm? It was hard to tell.

Could have been either to judge by the smell.

 

In Kuala Kangsar, as Coward would say,

Only the English would play at mid-day,

But if you wish to avoid the tropical heat,

Darjeeling’s at nearly eight thousand feet.

The most southerly courts in the world belong

To the Australian Grammar School, known as Geelong.

 

To stop Westminster boys becoming unrulier,

They built courts by the Abbey, that Royal Peculiar.

In Nigeria, with balls used for tennis, they play.

What else would you do with walls made of clay?

And straight from the press, the latest headliner:

St Bees now has courts at their new school in China.

 

So, we owe it to Henry, to Hawtrey and Eton,

Who gave us this game that cannot be beaten.

And to Eton boys too, for their ingenuity,

For this game will last in perpetuity.

It really has grown into something much more

Than a pastime under the chapel’s north door

 

* * *

 

To hit a ball against a wall, is simplest of all pleasures;

But to make a worthy game of it, that calls for special measures.

We’ve found a game and, we claim, much pleasure it contrives.

It now has rules and points and scores: we call it Eton fives.